Saturday, November 12, 2011

bad animal

bad animal
you can't please anyone
you fight so hard to please them all
like a dog waiting for approval and affection
but your a bad animal
always disappointing 
you cant do their tricks and they hate you for it
bad animal
you've been bruised so many times
why do you keep trying to make them love you
you cant trust them
they are all deceivers 
even the innocence of youth cant be trusted
too bad you haven't got the courage 
too scared of what is waiting when it goes dark
because you are a disappointment to Him too....
can't even please the One who matters most
you displease Him always
bad animal, sad animal

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Hello Fastidium

Welcome home Fastidium
I am ready for you to have me completely
You will be a comfort to me now
I know you will take care of me
make me who I want to be
make me what they want me to be
I'm not the ideal
I'm not perfect...yet
I know I didn't shelter you before
not like I should
I will nurture you now
and you will eat me alive
Hello Fastidium
my old companion
My new Onus

To Onus

Onus
heavily laden
dragging me down
you feed the desire to change
to adopt an old affliction
Onus
you disgust me
make me cry
fill me with fear
ashamed to be seen
Onus
why can't i be rid of you
why do you follow me everywhere
a sick desire to torment me
a need to cloud my mind
Onus
you love me in your twisted way
and i hate you in return
you need me to exist
but i'll find a way to suffocate you
Onus
protected me from the animals
kept them away
made me invisible to them
helped me hide
Onus
i don't care anymore
I'd rather be eaten by them than see you anymore
you disgust me
I'll starve you to death

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

One Moment





Finding a moment of relief
A single ray of unfiltered sun
A warm blanket in the darkness
I find it comforts me for now
Melting away the icy core
Please don't let it fade or be cut off
I need respite from this madness
If only for an instant
Shine bright for today
And let me live

Monday, September 5, 2011

Triggered

Trigger
It's the right word
Pull it and you're gone
Sucked into a void
Obsessed with the need to be less of me
Don't follow me there
You'll be consumed by the hunger pains
And the need to have them
"If only's" feed me instead
if only i were thinner
If only i was beautiful
If only i could please you
If only you would love me
You never see me...no matter what I change
Will it be easier when i'm nothing
When i am pale and sharp

Friday, September 2, 2011

Questions

I'm still alone
Even with you right here
So frigid and unfeeling
I just want to feel that you want me here
But you seem distant and I am and lost
My eyes are caught on your blank expression
Wondering what you are thinking about
Leaving me with questions
Do you wish you could escape or run
Do you love me or even care if i am here or not
Are you thinking of someone else...
Even when I am caught up under you
I feel like you are looking somewhere else
When we are tangled together I am thinking of her
Was she better than me
How was her body different
What did she do that made you want to be with her
Why was I not enough for you
It can't be that I didn't give you my body
I think I like it more than you do
I think of her touching you and it makes my blood freeze
I feel sick and used
Are you really mine now
Do I have to share you with someone else
I am tired of seeing her face when we are together
I'm tired of wondering if you see it too

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

betrayal

You shattered my view of life
I thought I was safe from this kind of pain
I have enough physical torment
But you found a new way to wound me
My heart imploded when you spoke those words
How could you betray the one who loves you like no other, unconditionally
The one who cares for you
Raises your children
Treats you like a king
But I was the rubbish under your feet
You stepped on me, ground me deeper into the dirty floor
You broke my soul
I am cut so deep that I fear the gash will never heal
How can I ever feel safe again
I've heard it before, why should I believe you now
How do I know if you are deceiving me
I live in fear that I will find out a new terrible secret
One more time and I will fall off the cliff
I won't take it again, my heart wont bear it
It hurts to love someone this much
And in return, get an icy blade between the shoulders