bad animal

bad animal

you can't please anyone

you fight so hard to please them all

like a dog waiting for approval and affection

but your a bad animal

always disappointing 

you cant do their tricks and they hate you for it

bad animal

you've been bruised so many times

why do you keep trying to make them love you

you cant trust them

they are all deceivers 

even the innocence of youth cant be trusted

too bad you haven't got the courage 

too scared of what is waiting when it goes dark

because you are a disappointment to Him too....

can't even please the One who matters most

you displease Him always

bad animal, sad animal

Hello Fastidium

Welcome home Fastidium
I am ready for you to have me completely
You will be a comfort to me now
I know you will take care of me
make me who I want to be
make me what they want me to be
I'm not the ideal
I'm not perfect...yet
I know I didn't shelter you before
not like I should
I will nurture you now
and you will eat me alive
Hello Fastidium
my old companion
My new Onus

To Onus

Onus
heavily laden
dragging me down
you feed the desire to change
to adopt an old affliction
Onus
you disgust me
make me cry
fill me with fear
ashamed to be seen
Onus
why can't i be rid of you
why do you follow me everywhere
a sick desire to torment me
a need to cloud my mind
Onus
you love me in your twisted way
and i hate you in return
you need me to exist
but i'll find a way to suffocate you
Onus
protected me from the animals
kept them away
made me invisible to them
helped me hide
Onus
i don't care anymore
I'd rather be eaten by them than see you anymore
you disgust me
I'll starve you to death

One Moment

Finding a moment of relief
A single ray of unfiltered sun
A warm blanket in the darkness
I find it comforts me for now
Melting away the icy core
Please don't let it fade or be cut off
I need respite from this madness
If only for an instant
Shine bright for today
And let me live

Triggered

Trigger

It's the right word

Pull it and you're gone

Sucked into a void

Obsessed with the need to be less of me

Don't follow me there

You'll be consumed by the hunger pains

And the need to have them

"If only's" feed me instead

if only i were thinner

If only i was beautiful

If only i could please you

If only you would love me

You never see me...no matter what I change

Will it be easier when i'm nothing

When i am pale and sharp

Questions

I'm still alone
Even with you right here
So frigid and unfeeling
I just want to feel that you want me here
But you seem distant and I am and lost
My eyes are caught on your blank expression
Wondering what you are thinking about
Leaving me with questions
Do you wish you could escape or run
Do you love me or even care if i am here or not
Are you thinking of someone else...
Even when I am caught up under you
I feel like you are looking somewhere else
When we are tangled together I am thinking of her
Was she better than me
How was her body different
What did she do that made you want to be with her
Why was I not enough for you
It can't be that I didn't give you my body
I think I like it more than you do
I think of her touching you and it makes my blood freeze
I feel sick and used
Are you really mine now
Do I have to share you with someone else
I am tired of seeing her face when we are together
I'm tired of wondering if you see it too

betrayal

You shattered my view of life

I thought I was safe from this kind of pain

I have enough physical torment

But you found a new way to wound me

My heart imploded when you spoke those words

How could you betray the one who loves you like no other, unconditionally

The one who cares for you

Raises your children

Treats you like a king

But I was the rubbish under your feet

You stepped on me, ground me deeper into the dirty floor

You broke my soul

I am cut so deep that I fear the gash will never heal

How can I ever feel safe again

I've heard it before, why should I believe you now

How do I know if you are deceiving me

I live in fear that I will find out a new terrible secret

One more time and I will fall off the cliff

I won't take it again, my heart wont bear it

It hurts to love someone this much

And in return, get an icy blade between the shoulders